I Want The Good Times Back - The Little Mermaid

Confessions

URSULA
When Daddy dear was floating on his deathbed
He divvied up the kingdom into two
I got his magic shell
And half the sea as well
His trident went to—

You know who his trident went to – don’t you, babies!

My reign – why, it was blissfully delicious!
And glamour, glitz and style were au courante!
Did I use some black magic?
Well, oopsie— my bad!
Did I mutilate, maim and destroy?
Just a tad!
And for that, I get banished!
But me, I’m not mad
There’s just one little thing that I want...
Just one eensy teensy thing that I want:

I want the good times back!
I want those grand ol’ days!
I want the twisted nights
The sick delights
The wild soireés!
I want those trembling crowds of shellfish
Cracked and peeled for me to dine
Not because I’m mean or selfish—

FLOTSAM & JETSAM
No!

URSULA
I only want what’s mine!
I want disgusting wealth!
I want exquisite sin!
Want the entire sea
To worship me
On bended fin!
I want to greet my loving subjects
And then have them as a snack!
Remember those good times?
I want them back!

Picture it, my sucklings. Pretty soon, we’ll be back on top! Sipping bubbly.
Eating caviar before it hatches!
King Triton is the only thing that stands in my way.
If only I can find his Achilles heel… the soft quivering underbelly beneath all that armor…
I’ll dethrone him!
De-bone him! And then boys… oh, boys… we’re back in business! All together now:

FLOTSAM, JETSAM & EELS
You’ll bring the good times back!
Resume your wacky fun!
Restore the joyful charm
Of causing harm
To everyone!

URSULA
I want to make the merfolk cower
Like they did in days of yore
Sure, it’s sheer abuse of power—

FLOTSAM, JETSAM & EELS
So?

URSULA
Ain’t that what power’s for?
I want to taste their tears!
I want to hear their screams!
I want the special rush
You get from crushing
Hopes and dreams!

FLOTSAM, JETSAM & EELS
It’s more than simply sentimental—

Ursula
It’s an aphrodisiac!

FLOTSAM, JETSAM & EELS
Remember those good times!

URSULA
Oh god! Were they good times!

FLOTSAM, JETSAM & EELS
It’s time for more good times!

URSULA
Let’s get them back!
If only I had a way
To make him pay
I’d set ol’ Triton straight!

FLOTSAM
Poison?

JETSAM
Sure…

FLOTSAM
Blackmail?

JETSAM
Or…

FLOTSAM
His daughters…

JETSAM
Maybe—

URSULA
Wait!
Why didn’t we think of it before? His youngest!

FLOTSAM
The one with the beautiful voice?

URSULA
Which she takes for granted.
A woman doesn’t know how precious her voice is until she’s been silenced. Ha!
Perhaps we could teach them both a lesson…
I want the little girl!

FLOTSAM
Ooh.

URSULA
And boys, I want her bad!

JETSAM
Ahh.

URSULA
I want her sitting here
To lure her dear
Devoted dad!

FLOTSAM & JETSAM
Mmmm.

URSULA
I want my goody-goody brother
To come rescue her – the sap!
And then one way or another—

FLOTSAM & JETSAM
Surprise!

URSULA
I’ll spring the trap!
And get the good times back!
I mean with all the perks!
The trident, crown, the throne—
All mine alone!
The whole damn works!
But most of all, I want ol’ Triton
Pinned and wriggling on the rack
Then, fellas, it’s my time!
And frankly, it’s high time!
Those fabulous good times...
They’re coming back!